The guitar quickly turns into shredding, and it quitely fades out as we fade into the visual of a sound booth. Sitting on stools are TheNAFW.Com's Kramer, and NAFW intern Brian McJohnson.
(Kramer) Hello out there, and welcome to exclusive coverage of NAFW Day: Carnage! I'm Kramer, and I'll be calling the action tonight along side of NAFW intern and our head of security's nephew, Brian McJohnson. You know Brian, back in the day - the "Atlantic" days to be precise -I used to host Carnage with that maniac Twitch!
(Brian) That makes you old.
(Kramer) Watch it, tubby.
Brian looks fake-sad momentarily, because he is a very husky fellow.
(Kramer) Anyway, for those of you unfamilar, NAFW Day is a yearly event where NAFW fans from all over the world get to come and meet all of our NAFW superstars up close and person. It's been a landmark of our Oblivion Pay Per View for quite some time.
(Brian) But this year, things are going to be a little different. I guess thats why we're tacking the name Carnage onto it, because Carnage used to be the Pay Per View pre-show event before it was its own weekly show. Kramer and I'll will be kicking it old school giving commentary on various clips that our camera crews recorded during NAFW Day.
(Kramer) We'll be calling the action from inside our special sound booth here in the Los Angeles Convention Center, the site of NAFW Day: Carnage. Tomorrow's Oblivion Pay Per View will be taking place next door at the STAPLES Center. But before we get to that event, you fans at home who couldn't join us today in person are going to get a sneak peek at the kinds of shenanigans that go on at these events.
(Brian) Not only are your favorite NAFW personalities up to no good on the convention floor, but we've got an... interesting match for you where for one night only, XyZ, X-Cold and Zangief, will be reuniting to take on the Mexican Toiletries with special guest referee Cosmo in a Hollywood Back Lot Brawl.
(Kramer) And our main event of this show will be an exclusive look into the NAFW Hall of Fame ceremony where "The Judge" James Batty, David Kurresh, Sean "Spaz" Thomas, "Griever" Tyler Hyatt, and Hector Gonzales were inducted as the inaugural class of the NAFW Hall of Fame. So lets get to that footage!
Get In Line
The scene is from the floor of NAFW Day, this being one of the many cameras dispersed throughout the crowds to document the days events for this special edition of Carnage. Fans of all shapes, sizes and colours move past. Although many are in the "round," "large" and "pasty white" categories, there are also a fair proportion in the "ripped," "large" (in a completely different way) and "tanned" categories.
In any case, after wandering through the crowd for a few moments, our cameraman settles on a particular familiar individual. He's shortish and baldish. He's dressed in khakis and a bright red polo shirt. He wears a dark red towel over his shoulder.
In a word, he's Twitch.
(Kramer) Gah! Will I ever be free of this scourge that has plagued my life for so long as to feel like an eternity?
(Brian) Not a fan of Twitch, K-man?
(Kramer) Huh?
(Brian) You just called Twitch a scourge...
(Kramer) What? I was talking about you!
(Brian) Son of a...
(Kramer) Twitch! I wonder what he's up to?
What Twitch is up to is fairly simple: Walking. We follow him as he weaves in and out of the crowd for a moment. We go past several autograph signing booths, each of them surrounded by lines of fans hoping to get a souvenir for their collection or eBay store. All except for one.
That's not to say that this particular line is completely empty... It's just nowhere near as populated as the others. The people standing in this line include a number of young people who look to be the creeps and weirdos of tomorrow, as well as a number of older folk who are likely among the creeps and weirdos of yesterday. There are also a couple of potentially hot chicks that are too scary to look at long enough to really find out, all of whom are most definitely members of the creeps and weirdos of today.
Who knew Alister Essex would draw this sort of a crowd?
Well, Twitch did.
(Brian) Twitch is going to be in the ring with Essex at Oblivion, and he's lining up for his autograph?
(Kramer) We'll check back on Twitch later in the show...
(Brian) Dude, did you see that line? Twitch will be at the front in like five minutes.
(Kramer) Yeah, well last time I checked, five minutes from now will be later in the show... So there!
(Brian) Fine. I guess it's good that we're moving to something else for now... Nobody wants to watch Twitch standing in line picking things out of various orifices for five minutes.
(Kramer) You're one screwed up kid.
(Brian) And you're one screwed up... What the hell are you, anyway?
(Kramer) Hey look! Something else to talk about!
Autograph Session Gone Wrong (Don't They All?)
This segment opens up in a bustling part of the backstage. There are fans and media and everything everywhere. There are various superstars signing autographs, taking pictures with the fans and talking to the media as the camera weaves its way through the crowd. The camera turns a full circle in the middle of the crowd and stops when it sees the autograph booth of Tyrone Smith. The camera zooms in as he is feverishly signing autographs and handing them out to his fans. As he signs the last one and the last fan leaves for now as he leans back in his chair and sighs.
(Kramer) Lets see what the former "Crazy Boy" Tyrone Smith is up to.
(Tyrone) That's the last of them. It's fun hanging out with the fans, but it's tiring. But that's why I am here, to entertain them. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't even be here.
Tyrone sits up as a little boy comes up and takes a picture of Tyrone from his mom and places it on the table. Tyrone grins and nods his head at the little boy.
(Tyrone) Hi, how are you? What's your name?
The little boy smiles, showing that he is missing his two front teeth, so one would assume he is about 7-8 years old.
(Boy) Billy. You are my favorite wrestler, Mr. Smith.
Tyrone takes a sharpie off of the table and signs the picture and hands it back to Billy.
(Tyrone) Here you go. But please, you don't have to call me Mr. Smith. You can just call me Tyrone.
Billy smiles again as he walks away with his mother as another figure walks up to the table and stands there. Not paying any attention, Tyrone grabs a picture and a sharpie.
(Tyrone) Hi there, what's your name?
(???) How about "Your Worst Nightmare?"
Tyrone is quick to look up, recognizing the voice of the person, as it is his own brother and one of his opponents for Oblivion, Carlos Smith. Carlos has his arms folded across his chest. Behind him, Tommy Smith, the younger brother known as "Psycho" is standing there, not looking at his brother. Carlos sneers and slams his fists down on the table and shakes his head.
(Carlos) This is so like you, Tyrone. Remaining calm and collected even though your demise is just a day away. How can you be talking and hanging out with the fans, knowing well that tomorrow, I will end your existance once and for all?
Tyrone just grins and shakes his head, setting the sharpie and picture down on the table as he stands up from the chair and stares almost face to face with his brother.
(Tyrone) What's wrong, Carlos? Trying to get your last word in before you get defeated, yet again, tomorrow? Everyone knows that you stand no chance against me, just like last Oblivion. History is bound to repeat itself and it will happen at Oblivion when I send you on your merry way again.
Carlos sneers and takes an arm and grabs the collar of Tyrone's shirt. Tyrone just smiles and shakes his head.
(Tyrone) I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Tyrone gets pulled in by the arm of Carlos and held face to face to his older brother. Carlos sneers and smiles, and turns to his younger brother, Tommy.
(Carlos) Watch and learn, Tommy. This is how you get the job done.
Carlos takes a swing at Tyrone and, like a flash of lightning, Tyrone gets out of the way and picks up Carlos on his shoulder and drops him straight down, hitting the Ruthless Agression on his older brother. Carlos is out like a light as he looks up to Tommy. Tommy nods and shrugs, walking away. Tyrone smiles and looks up at the crowd that has gathered around him.
(Tyrone) Cleanup on Aisle 5!
Tyrone takes his seat again behind the table as Carlos slowly gets to his feet and looks at his brother. He sneers and holds his jaw, slowly staggering away as the show fades elsewhere.
(Brian) Wow. Epic Pwnage by Tyrone Smith there.
(Kramer) But can he really trust Tommy "Psycho" Smith to not fight him at Oblivion tomorrow?
(Brian) Something tells me Carlos wouldn't get into that ring unless he had Psycho under control.
(Kramer) Looks like we'll have to wait and see.
Mama Said There'll Be Days Like This
It is a glorious sunny day in the LOS ANGELES as the NAFW is getting ready for their biggest PPV of the year, OBLIVION coming next weekend. Many of the NAFW superstars are in the city preparing for their matches and others touring the fine city. But today, it's a day for the fans. NAFW General manager has made today "NAFW DAY." A day where the fans get to meet and get up close and personal with some of their favorite, and not so favorite superstars. We go to the United Center where we see some of the superstars of the NAFW sitting at booths, meeting and greeting fans and signing autographs or taking pictures. They seem really happy to meet the fans. However, we cut to a empty stand on the other side of the room as Peter Gilmour and his girlfriend Rose are sitting down talking and waiting for somebody, ANYBODY to come get a autograph or a picture with the power couple of the NAFW. Peter sees the fans line up for the likes of Mike Lane, Snake, and Mike Stryker. His face is of pure anger and rage and his face is starting to turn red.
(Brian) Haha! No one likes Gilmour!
(Kramer) Can you blame them?
(Peter) Look at this shit. These stupid fans are all the way over there talking and schmoozing with the main event people and not coming to see the real STAR of this company, the Xtreme Icon Peter Gilmour. Why did I get dragged to this piece of shit event anyways? Damn that Buchanan. I should rip his throat out.
(Rose) Now don't get all testy baby. Someone will show up. I hope soon because I am getting really bored and I got to go to the salon to get my hair done for the PPV.
(Peter) Again with your hair?! How much do you got to spend on your hair? Your hair is fine as it is.
(Rose) Well, I got to look good for the pay per view, don't I? I don't want to look like a slut like some of the other divas here. Are there any divas here?
(Peter) Apparently not. Man, this is pissing me off. Give me that megaphone over there.
Peter gets a megaphone and begins to speak loudly into it.
(Peter) Hey you fools, why don't you all come and meet a REAL STAR like the Xtreme Icon. Don't bother getting pictures with a man who talks to a soccer ball a B-list movie star and a loser. Come over here and get a picture with the next Atlantic Champion and the hottest woman in the NAFW. And if you're lucky you'll get a free kiss from Rose.
Nobody begins to move. Peter gets angry.
(Peter) Fine! FREE BEER FOR ALL!
That woke some fans up as they rush to the booth. Peter sees this and begins to laugh.
(Peter) What a bunch of suckers. See babe, you put out the bait and watch them bite. Then you reel them in.
(Rose) I ain't kissing these people. They might have herpes or bad breath or something.
(Peter) Babe, don't worry if they try anything I'll break their face. I got your back.
Fans now start to line up upon hearing Peter say he would give out free beer. Two fans wearing Mike Lane shirts step up to Peter.
(Peter) Hey there. What's your names?
(Fans) Jim and Bobby.
(Peter) You both from Los Angeles?
(Jim) Nah man, we're both from Mississippi.
(Peter) Wow, all the way out there. Well, thanks for coming. Here's your autographed picture of a real star not some moron on your shirt.
Peter gives Jim and Bobby their pictures. But Jim and Bobby stay there waiting for a kiss from rose and a free beer.
(Peter) What now?
(Bobby) Where's my kiss and free beer?
Peter sighs as he nods to Rose who unwillingly kisses Jim and Bobby on the cheek. Jim and Bobby scream like they won the lottery as Peter smacks his head in his hands.
(Peter) Why me?
The line is about 50 people long now and Peter continues to hand out autographs and Rose gives out kisses and cans of Budweiser. We get near the end of the line and a few ladies show up. Peter is excited.
(Peter) Well its about time. Hellooo ladies.
The ladies, who have to be in their late teens begin to laugh at Peter's bad Val Venis impression. Peter rolls his eyes.
(Peter) So what is your names?
(Ladies) I'm Danielle and this is my friend Michelle and we're from New York.
(Peter) Really? Where exactly in New York?
(Michelle) New York City! We really wanted to see you.
(Peter) I bet you did.
Michelle and Danielle chuckle a bit as they might be planning something. Peter looks at Rose as she gives a dirty look towards the young ladies who are both wearing Peter Gilmour shirts.
(Peter) Well glad somebody did. Let me sign this for you.
Peter signs a picture of him and Rose. He gives it to Danielle and Michelle as they scream loudly almost blowing out Peter and Rose's eardrums.
(Michelle) Hey can you sign my boob?
(Peter) Hell yeah!
As Peter is about to put his John Hancock on the young teens boob, Rose stops him.
(Rose) You ain't going to sign this slut's boob.
(Danielle) Who you calling a slut? You SKANK!
Oh boy, that struck a nerve with Rose as she throws her chair back and is about to rip Danielle's head off. Security and Peter try to break it up but Rose gets a hold of Danielle's hair as her friend Michelle tries to get Rose off her. Peter picks up Michelle and puts her off to the side.
(Peter) Stay here you slut if you know what's good for you!
Peter goes back to the booth as security has now gotten Rose and Danielle separated. Other fans look on from the other side of the room at what's going on as well as some of the NAFW roster. The ladies keep jawing at each other and Peter grabs the megaphone.
(Peter) OK, shows over get the F*CK out of my booth! Go on! Go over to some of those other losers. We don't allow pieces of white trash in the Palace of X-TREEEME Love.
Fans start to boo and cuss at Peter and Rose as they leave. Some fans are seen ripping Peter's pictures up and scattering them all over the floor near Peter's booth. Peter doesn't give a damn as he looks on with a mean look on his face.
(Peter) Bunch of ingrates. They'd rather cheer for a fuckin' moron in a Snake mask who talks to a soccer ball than a real wrestler who looks like a GOD. Well, at OBLIVION, I am going to steal the show and capture the ATLANTIC CHAMPIONSHIP. These fans will come to respect me and if not, they can all go to HELL!! After I win the title, I am going to make my way up to the World Championship and it doesn't matter if its Mike Lane, Mike Stryker, Mike Wallace, WHOEVER, soon I will become the NEW champion and I will be the KING of all the NAFW. Mark my words babe, the NAFW will soon be taken... TO THE XTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME! Now let's get out of here. I'm sick of this crap.
Peter throws a chair and turns over his table as him and Rose begin to leave. We fade elsewhere.
(Brian) Shit, I thought he was going to have a heart attack there.
(Kramer) Nope, it was just "Peter being Peter" if you will.
(Brian) You know, Manny is in this town now. You better watch out.
The Most Epic Challenge in the History of Epic Challenges
(Kramer) Let's check back and see what happened when Twitch made it to the front of the line.
(Brian) Oh yes, please. I can't wait to find out.
(Kramer) Oooh. Sarcasm!
Cut back to the line. One of those potentially hot chicks is at the table right now, and of course Twitch is giving her the old up and down, like he has been since he stepped in line. I know I said that they're too scary to look at long enough to find out if they're hot, but we're talking about Twitch here... If it walks and has breasts, he's probably going to look.
Actually, forget about the first one... Walking isn't a requirement. In this case, she does walk. Luckily for Twitch, she never did see him gawking, because she would have taken him to a back room, blindfolded him and then proceeded to insert things in a very uncomfortable place (not the back of a Volkswagen).
So the chick walks off alone, and Twitch steps up to the table. Essex is surprised, to say the least.
(Essex) What in the world are you doing here?
(Twitch) Hello Sussex.
Essex stares up at Twitch.
(Essex) Did you not hear me? I asked what you're doing here!
(Twitch) Twitch heard Polyester. Twitch just wasn't listening.
(Essex) What are you talking about, you blithering idiot!? And for the last time, what are you doing here?
Twitch smiles.
(Twitch) Twitch is here to issue the Most Epic Challenge in the History of Epic Challenges!
Essex stands up and leans forward.
(Essex) Oh, really? With your last challenge still looming, you're going to put yourself in the path of my monster and me once again?
(Twitch) Yes... And no.
(Essex) Explain yourself, you foul-breathed charlatan!
Another smile from Twitch, which frustrates Essex even more. Without another word, Twitch reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, which he promptly hands to Essex.
Essex unfolds the paper and looks at it for a moment, before glaring up at Twitch again.
(Essex) A map of the Convention Centre?
Twitch nods.
(Twitch) See the big red circle?
(Essex) Of course I do. I'm not blind, you moronic fool.
(Twitch) Be there in half an hour. Come alone. Twitch will be waiting.
(Essex) What ever would I do that for?
One more smile.
(Twitch) Because that's where Oblivion's coming early for Sussex and Twitch! If there's even half a ball in those pants - which Twitch thinks might be an exaggeration - Sussex will be there.
Essex's eyes bulge at the questioning of his manhood. Were he another man, he'd threaten to prove the number of balls in his pants right then and there. Instead, he simply sits back down.
(Essex) I'll be there. Now if you'll get the hell out of the way and stop holding up my line...
Twitch looks around behind him.
(Twitch) Twitch wouldn't want to keep Sussex from all his fan.
(Essex) It's fans. Plural.
Twitch shrugs.
(Twitch) It's really not.
With that, Twitch turns and leaves, as the last person in the line behind him steps toward the table. And we're done here.
(Brian) He calls that an epic challenge? Meet me at the red circle in half an hour! What is he, in the fifth grade? Meet me in the park after school!
(Kramer) Did you see what was circled on the map?
(Brian) I hope it was the exhibition ring! I'd love to see Essex throw Twitch around a little before Oblivion!
(Kramer) I guess we'll find out soon enough... If Essex shows up!
(Brian) Oh, he'll be there, K-man. And whatever this "challenge" of Twitch's is, Essex is going to be up for it!
Rock Star Announcements
(Kramer) Folks, right now we’re going to join the Rock ‘n’ Rex Express, as they are on the main stage here in the Los Angeles Convention Center.
(Brian) We’ve been told those two whacky dudes have a major announcement for Oblivion, and I’m hoping its free cheeseburgers for everyone in attendance.
(Kramer) Is the catering table backstage not enough for you?
(Brian) …No…
We cut to the main stage area where Scott Rocker and Rex Michaels have been working the live crowd up for a while. Scott Rocker’s band has been playing live sets throughout the day, but now he has a major announcement to make.
(Rex) Alright y’all, its time to listen up to my boy Rocker here, because he’s got a very special announcement for Oblivion.
(Rocker) Wooooooooo yeah. Let me tell you all a little story. When I was born, I came out of my mother’s womb with a guitar in my hands. I was shredding guitar solos before Guns and Roses attempted to record Chinese Democracy – and that was a long time ago.
(Rex) Almost as long as it took us to get to Oblivion!
Zing!
(Rocker) And this power of rock has made me a very lucky man. I live in the greatest country of them all – The U-S-of-A. It’s a country where a man with no experience can come close to being elected President. It’s a country where a moose hunter can be one heart beat away from the Presidency.
(Rex) That’s why I’m voting third party – Constitutional Libertarianism FTW!
(Rocker) Thanks Rex… Anyway, my point was, with my power of rock, combined with the greatness of the USA, I’ve had the freedom to score endless amounts of tail after performing hours of face melting solos. I’m talking crazy kinds of ass. I’ve run out of places to put notches on my belt. Hell, by association alone, Rex here has gotten some mighty fine ladies for himself.
(Rex) Amen.
(Rocker) But it is my privilege to announce that an even bigger rock star than me will be playing at Oblivion…
(Brian) Sting? Slash? Judas Priest?
(Rocker) And that rock star is…
(Kramer) Chronic?
(Rocker) …FRED DURST with his band Limp Bizkit!!!!!11!!!111!!~!~!~!~!!!1111one111!!
(Brian) …
(Kramer) …
The crowd is dead silent as well. The duo on stage then breaks into song.
(Rocker) Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’…
(Rex) What?!
(Rocker) Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’…
(Rex) Yeah!!
Thankfully, the Rock ‘n’ Rex Express rendition of “Rollin’” is cut off by the voice of someone else walking onto the stage.
(???) Whoa whoa whoa, THAT’S your big announcement?
It’s Dustin Thomas, one half of the NAFW Tag Team Champions, with his brother, and Oblivion opponent, “The Alpha” Shane Thomas.
(Rocker) Who do you think you are? You can’t just walk onto my stage like that!
(Dustin) I’m Dustin freakin’ Thomas and I can do whatever I want. I’m one half of the NAFW Tag Team Champions. I’m a member of the Old School Empire. And me and my brother here – we get way more tail than you.
Those be fightin’ words.
(Shane) You do realize I’m the Alpha Male, right? You do realize I’ve got Playboy Playmates waiting back for me in my hotel room. What are you two losers going to do? Hook up with some coked out groupies?
(Rocker) YESSSS!
At this point, Rocker is standing nose to nose with both members of the Old School Empire, so Rex steps in to separate them and defuse the situation.
(Rex) Last time I checked, you two were facing off in the ring at Oblivion. What are you doing rolling around NAFW Day together?
(Shane) What do you think Rex?
(Dustin) Blood is thicker than water – and gold.
Scott Rocker stands behind Rex, mimicking every word the Empire says, to the delight of the crowd.
(Rex) Yeah? And how do y’all think the other half of the Tag Team Champions feels about that?
(Dustin) Ammo? Ammo has proven his loyalty to me, and after Oblivion is over and we destroy Slush – securing an easy title defense – Ammo will be given the opportunity of his life time.
(Shane) You see, last Annihilation was a test for Ammo, and he sided with Dustin, not Slush. And that got me and my brother talking. The Old School Empire could use some more muscle to prevent anymore mishaps like Stryker ruining Lane’s movie premiere.
(Dustin) So after Ammo and I successfully defend our titles at Oblivion, he will be allowed to forfeit his half of the Tag Team gold to my brother here in exchange for the opportunity of a life time – The opportunity to join the Old School Empire to back up me, the Alpha, Vanessa Chamberlain, and Mr. Old School Hollywood himself, the future Foundation Heavyweight Champion, Mike Lane.
The crowd in attendance vehemently boos this idea, but then they begin to stir, then part like the red sea.
(Shane) Speak of the devil.
People in the crowd look intimidated, and they should be. Ammo is a behemoth at 6’9” and 361 pounds. Considering this is an open space convention, its no surprise Ammo heard what was going on.
(Dustin) So what’s it going to be Ammo? You can’t possibly trust Slush anymore – he’s been plotting against you since the second we won these titles. So stay with the winning team and join the Old School Empire.
Ammo has now made his way to the front of the crowd, but hasn’t walked up onto the stage. Everyone stares at the man of few words and many grunts, waiting for a response. Several intense moments pass, and then Ammo gives his answer.
(Ammo) No.
The crowd pops big and the Old School Empire can’t believe that Ammo just turned down their offer!
(Kramer) Brian, look!
Then from the back of the stage comes Slush rushing out, striking both members of the Old School Empire behind! They’re totally caught off guard by this. For a few moments, he takes them both on 2 on 1 before kicking Dustin off of the stage – and into the arms of Ammo! Ammo immediately runs forward with his Tag Team Championship partner and crushes him against the stage!
(Kramer) I’m betting Dustin regrets making that offer to Ammo now!
As he’s doing that, Slush and Shane are exchanging blows before tumbling off the stage as well! A full on brawl breaks out in the crowd between the Old School Empire and the Goods, and the crowd is in a full “Holy Shit!” mode.
(Brian) Holy crapola these guys are nuts!
Rock and Rex rush down the side of the stage and into the sea of people where the two tag teams are fighting. They throw some punches of their own against BOTH teams in an attempt to restrain them. The crowd surprisingly gets involved too, attempting to help Rock ‘n’ Rex separate the two teams.
(Kramer) Now that’s what I call fan interaction!
Finally, the crowd is restraining the Old School Empire in one area, and The Goods in another, with Scott Rocker and Rex Michaels standing between them.
(Rex) Y’all should mind your manners better. There’s loyal NAFW fans here and I don’t wanna see any of them leavin’ here with a shiner because of you clowns.
(Rocker) But it seems like you two need some dispute resolution. Normally, I’d clean all of your clocks with my trusty guitar, and then declare myself and Rex as the Rock Star Tag Team Champions of the Universe. But I’m not gonna do that today. It seems like the best way to settle this little dispute is through a…
BATTLE OF THE BANDS!
The crowd is just as confused by that option as they were when Rocker announced that Limp Bizkit would be playing Oblivion.
Rex is a bit confused too, so he slaps Rocker upside the head and tells him to think of something better.
(Rocker) Okay okay… So maybe there’s not enough time for you punks to do that. Then how about this? At Oblivion, it’ll be The Goods versus the Old School Empire, and the winners will be the undisputed Tag Team Champions!
The crowd pops for that idea, and Rex gets verbal confirmation from both teams who are foaming at the mouths at this point.
(Rex) It’s on!
(Kramer) I didn’t know the Rock ‘n’ Rex Express had the authority to change matches like that, but what the heck?
(Brian) That’s the kind of take charge attitude we need around the NAFW! Perhaps I should be the booker.
(Kramer) In that case, we might as well give some e-fed owner living in his mom’s basement the book!
Zingers!
(Kramer) But that aside, this is a huge change for Oblivion, and we will either see the Goods or the Old School Empire walk out as the sole Tag Team Champions.
(Brian) And we’ll see Fred Durst too~!
Answering the Challenge
(Kramer) Well folks, earlier in the day, Twitch ran into Alister Essex. He issued a challenge, for Essex to meet him somewhere in the Convention Centre. Let's see what happened!
(Brian) I'm so excited. I just can't hide it.
(Kramer) You don't sound excited!
(Brian) Yeah, that's kinda the point.
Cut back to footage of the convention centre. This time, we come in on a crowd of people around a series of large TV screens. On each of the screens is a different image, but all have a common element: They're all from the NAFW: Oblivion video game. In fact, above the screens is the game's logo. This is the booth where fans can come and play the new game before it's released in stores.
(Brian) The game booth? Seriously?
We make our way toward one of the game kiosks, where a crowd has begun to form to watch. Standing in front of one of the controllers is none other than Twitch. On the TV before him is a pre-match screen. It shows computerized images of Spaz and Twitch on one side, with Hush and Essex on the other. A tag team match is ready to begin... Once there's another player at the second controller.
This is when a voice can be heard over the crowd.
(Essex) Twitch, you pathetic excuse for a human being! I'm here for your so-called challenge! Show yourself!
The fans in the area shuffle around to make a path, with the ones near the end pointing toward Twitch. Essex makes his way to the kiosk with a confused look on his face.
(Essex) Twitch! What is the meaning of this insanity!?
Twitch doesn't turn around, so focused is he upon the screens before him. He does finally reply to Essex though.
(Twitch) Oh, hi Sussex. What's up?
If Essex wasn't fuming before, he is now.
(Essex) Is your hearing as defective as your brain function? I'm here to answer your "challenge." Now stop wasting my time and get on with it!!
Twitch shrugs.
(Twitch) If Sussex says so...
(Essex) I just did!
(Twitch) Then Sussex should pick up the controller.
Essex raises an eyebrow.
(Essex) Excuse me?
(Twitch) Poly want a cracker?
(Essex) What?
(Twitch) Sussex needs a hand finding his joy stick, folks. It's a little small! Or so Twitch is told by some ladies unfortunate to have seen it...
The crowd laughs as Essex continues to fume. He angrily steps forward and picks up the game controller.
(Essex) I am your better in every way, Twitch. I accept your ridiculous challenge... And just as my monster and I will do at Oblivion, tonight I will destroy you!
(Twitch) In Poly's dreams!
Twitch presses the start button, but before the contest starts, we cut away to Kramer and Brian McJohnson.
(Kramer) We'll have the outcome of this epic challenge in its entirety a little bit later on!
No Show / Shit Show
(Kramer) Right now we’re going to cut to Keith Owens’ autograph table where we’ve heard there is some kind of commotion.
As the video recording cuts to the scene, we see a huge queue of people lined up to get the autograph of the only active Grand Slam Champion in the NAFW today, Keith Owens.
However, there is no one at the table, and some random backstage employee for the NAFW stands up on the table to make an announcement.
(Employee) Everyone, I’m sorry to inform you that due to travel conflicts, Keith Owens will be unable to make it to NAFW Day.
The crowd starts to boo out of disappointment. They begin to walk away when someone else draws their attention back at the autograph table.
That someone else is Trevor Cunning.
(Trevor) Hold on there, marks.
(Brian) Ah! I don’t like that guy!
“The Godfather,” who appears to be slightly intoxicated, climbs up onto the table where the employee just was, and begins to address the crowd. The crowd jeers his very presence.
(Trevor) Look, I know you all feel like suckers and giant tools because you just wasted an hour standing in line here for Keith’s autograph when you could have been watching Scott Rocker’s pathetic excuse for a band play. Part of me can’t blame you though.
Cunning stumbles a couple of steps on the table top.
(Trevor) At Oblivion, I will end the career of Keith Owens. The NAFW is a war zone, and I’m going to be the last one standing – not that over rated pretty boy Owens. So naturally you’d think it would be wise to get Keith’s autograph now, before he’s sent into early retirement and you never hear from him again.
(Kramer) What a jerk!
(Trevor) But really, why would you want his autograph? The man no-showed NAFW Day. He doesn’t care about you, the fans. You want to know where he is? He’s at the hospital, sitting bedside next to that slut girlfriend of his.
Yeah, that’s right, the one I banged!
Chants of “Asshole” emerge from the line, and from the crowd that Cunning has drawn around him.
(Trevor) He cares more about a dirty filthy whore than about you fans. And that my friends, is a pity.
Someone in the crowd shouts “I’m not your friend!” and Cunning flips them the bird in response. By the way, in case you haven’t heard, the bird is the word!
(Brian) Was Trevor hanging out with Scott Hall before he wandered over here?
(Trevor) Never fear, however, because “The Godfather” is here for you. Because Keith likes being around my sloppy seconds so much, I’m going to put him there next to her, permanently. I’m going to make sure that if he leaves Oblivion on a stretcher instead of in a body bag, he will be as permanently brain damaged as his little girlfriend.
Besides, I wouldn’t him looking over from his hospital bed watching me the next time I go in there to do her. Chug, Maggot, and I have done some weird shit with bitches back in the day, but nothing is weirder than having Keith Owens watching you bang his girlfriend while he’s touching himself under the sheets.
This kind of talk and language draws the attention of NAFW back office personnel who were wandering the floor of the convention center, and they begin to motion for Cunning to get down from off the table.
(Trevor) Looks like the suits from corporate don’t like what I have to say. Gee, they didn’t have a problem when I was nailing Flint or Alejandro’s women, but they have to protect their precious Keith Owens and his girlfriend. What’s a matter boys? Is Buchanan afraid he’s going to lose his job over things I’ve been saying? I’m not the one who decked Dane Cook and ruined a movie premiere.
The NAFW employees don’t respond to Cunning directly. Instead they keep telling him to get down off of the table.
(Trevor) You know what? Screw this! At Oblivion, Keith Owens is a dead man! His career is over, and there’s nothing any of you can do about it. Trevor Cunning is going to slingshot his way back to the top of the Foundation! And if any of you losers want a real man’s autograph, “The Godfather” will be sitting right here signing copies of my best selling adult entertainment video for only fifty bucks a pop – or for whatever booze you have on you!
Cunning nearly falls trying to get off the table, but once he’s down, he slumps into the chair that was meant for Owens. He yells “Who’s first?” but the crowd that had been waiting for Owens walks away in disgust, leaving Cunning with a whopping ZERO fans wanting anything to do with him.
(Kramer) Trevor Cunning – as foul mouthed and vulgar as ever.
(Brian) I’m pulling for Keith to kick his ass after Cunning got me drunk . Cunning may have fallen off the horse for the zillionth time, but I’m hoping Owens puts an end to his misery at Oblivion. No one makes Brian puke! No one!
You Got Served! No, Really. Service of Process.
Fade in.
A raucous crowd of NAFW fans have gathered at NAFW day, eagerly hunting for autographs and pictures with their favorite NAFW superstars. As the camera winds it’s way around a particularly large group of fans lined up, it reveals the reason for the pile of people gathered around.
Mike Stryker, the NAFW Champion, sits at a table, his championship belt displayed proudly in front of him as he diligently signs away, spending maybe 60 seconds of his time to make someone feel like a million bucks. He never turns away a picture as fans eagerly await their time with the champ. Also eagerly awaiting their time with him is one Mark Herriot, who’s set to get a quick few words with Stryker about the whole experience.
(Herriot) Mike, this is quite a stir you’ve created here at this table. Look at the line!
Stryker can’t resist a smile as he signs another autograph.
(Stryker) Mark, I won’t lie, it doesn’t suck. Seriously, it means a lot to me to know that what I do out there, that people respect it and appreciate it. These fans here are the backbone of our company, and none of us would be lucky enough to do what we love if we didn’t do it well enough to make it worth their time.
A small child and his mother walk up for an autograph of a Stryker photo. As Stryker nods at the small boy, who’s all deer-in-the-headlights at the moment, he can’t help but smile once more.
(Stryker) So who am I making this out to?
Not a word from the kid. Mesmerized. Absolutely incapable of uttering a sound. The mother pipes up.
(Mother) His name is David.
Stryker nods and begins to scribble his John Hancock on the picture.
(Stryker) So David, where are you from?
Nothing.
(Stryker) You think you could be a wrestler too someday?
A slight, shy nod, still no words. However the boy’s gaze isn’t on Stryker as much as the shiny gold belt on the table in front of him. Stryker sees the kid eyeballing the Foundation Championship belt and smirks.
(Stryker) Hey David, you want to hold that belt?
David snaps his look back to Stryker with the 8 year old version of “no effing way!”
(Stryker) Go ahead, grab it, try it on your shoulder.
Comically, Stryker comes around the table and puts the belt on the boy’s shoulder, and the face plate practically covers his torso as he smiles an ear to ear grin. Stryker leans down as the boys mother gets a picture of the proceedings. The boy gives the belt back and excitedly says “thank you” before taking his autograph and going on his way, a story for everyone back home about how he got to be the champ.
The buzz in the line is at a fever pitch as people are more excited to see Stryker than ever, the kids in the line all dreaming of their chance to hold the gold. However, the next person in line is not seeking an autograph. A middle aged man wearing casual golf attire comes up to the table, not holding a picture, or a t-shirt. No Poster or merchandise. The only thing in his hands is a plain manila envelope.
(Man) Mr. Stryker?
Stryker looks up, hand instinctively coming out to grab the next piece of memorabilia.
(Stryker) Yeah?
The folder hits his hand before he even gets a chance to react.
(Man) You’ve been served.
The man briskly walks away.
Mike Stryker, Foundation Heavyweight Champion, holds in his hand legal documents. Not sure what to make of it, he opens the folder and begins to read. As he goes down the page, he shakes his head and slams down the page, getting up and stepping away from the table. Herriot peeks down and the camera follows. All that you need to read is the first few lines.
Dane Cook: Plaintiff
v.
Mike Stryker, Ray Buchanan, The North American Foundation of Wrestling: Defendants
Herriot looks into the camera as Stryker has left his own autograph signing, he speaks over the announcement from NAFW officials at NAFW Day for the fans to please remain patient.
(Herriot) Folks we obviously don’t know all the details, and we don’t know where Mike Stryker has gone, but it appears based on the happenings at Annihilation #24 between Mike Stryker and Dane Cook, that Mike Stryker has been served some kind of lawsuit. Unfortunately for these fans, it’s happened here at NAFW Day. We’ll stay on top of this story as it develops further. Back to Kramer and Brian in the studio.
Fade out.
(Brian) I bet Stryker wishes he thought twice about kicking Dane Cook's ass!
(Kramer) C'mon, we all wanted to see it.
(Brain) Definitely, but it appears to have caused more trouble than what it's worth. Mike Lane is definitely a prick, but Stryker could have played it cool until their match at Oblivion.
(Kramer) Eh, I'm still with Stryker. Lane needed to be shut up.
Oblivion Come Early?
We come back to the NAFW: Oblivion game booth, where Twitch has challenged Alister Essex to a match. Spaz and Twitch vs. Hush and Essex... A virtual version of one of the real-life Oblivion's matches. Oblivion come early, as Twitch called it.
(Kramer) This match is on!
(Brian) Are you really going to do commentary on a video game?
(Kramer) Why not?
(Brian) Because it's ridiculous! And... That's exactly what you are, so it makes sense.
(Kramer) Quiet you! We already missed the entrances!
(Brian) Whatever shall we do.
(Kramer) The show must go on! Spaz is going to start this one off against Hush, folks.
The virtual Spaz, controlled by Twitch darts forward and leaps into a huge Sweets Kick, taking the big man down.
(Essex) Get up Hush! Get up!!
Twitch laughs, as he has Spaz play up to the crowd while waiting for Hush to get up.
(Kramer) Spaz should be keeping on Hush here, folks. Letting the monster get back up when you have him down is bad strategy. He's letting overconfidence get the better of him here!
(Brian) It's a video game for Gord's sake!
On the screen Hush gets up (through no effort of Essex's) just as Spaz tags in Twitch. The digitized manager runs circles around the virtual monster, before stopping right in front of him. With a push of the button, Twitch gives Hush the finger on screen!
(Kramer) Now that's just rude.
Meanwhile, Essex is getting frustrated as he yells at the screen.
(Essex) Hush! Listen to me! You have to choke him!!
Twitch laughs again, but this time takes some measure of pity on his opponent.
(Twitch) Sussex... The game doesn't hear you talking...
Essex turns to Twitch now, his face approaching the same shade of red as his attire.
(Essex) Then how the bloody hell do I punch someone in the face?!?"
Twitch smiles, and holds up his controller.
(Twitch) With the buttons, stupid!
Twitch pushes a button, causing his virtual self to throw a haymaker at Hush.
(Essex) ... Oh.
(Kramer) Twitch better get moving... He's lucky Hush hasn't choked him to death already after that punch!
(Brian) He's lucky Essex doesn't have a clue what he's doing. A four year-old with half a brain no fingers could beat Essex at this game. So Twitch has about a 50-50 chance.
Back on the screen, Essex seems to be getting a hang of the basics... Twitch tags the virtual Spaz back in, and he's takes a few punches. But Twitch knows what he's doing and quickly regains control with a Spaz Out DDT.
(Kramer) Another big move by Spaz! He needs to stay on Hush this time!
(Brian) You're seriously still calling this like a real match?
Spaz disregards Kramer's advice, instead sliding out of the ring. At the press of a button, the virtual Twitch steps into the ring and goes on the attack under computer control. Essex, paying too much attention to the virtual Spaz, doesn't realize that his computerized monster is being beaten up by a computerized manager a fraction of his computerized size. In the meantime, Spaz pulls a ladder from beneath the apron!
(Kramer) This isn't a ladder match!
Twitch has Spaz slide into the ring with the ladder, but then drops it and backs off.
(Kramer) Spaz is just asking for it now!!
Twitch - the real one - turns to Essex, holding up his controller and pointing to a specific button.
(Twitch) Hey Poly... Press this one.
(Essex) Why in the world would I do what you tell me to?
(Twitch) Fine... Twitch will pick up the ladder then!
The virtual Spaz tags in the virtual Twitch.
(Essex) Fine!
Essex presses the button, and Hush obediently picks up the ladder.
(Essex) Victory is mine!
(Kramer) Twitch is going to die if that ladder stays in Hush's hands.
The real Twitch is still smiling though.
(Twitch) Wouldn't it be sweeter if Poly beat Twitch, instead? Go ahead... Tag Sussex in. Twitch won't stop it!
Essex glares at Twitch a moment... Then moves his monster to the corner. He presses a button... And Hush obediently swings the ladder, knocking the living daylights out of the computerized Essex!
(Kramer) Holy crap! Hush turned on his master!
(Brian) You're an idiot.
(Essex) BLOODY HELL!
Essex slams the controller down and storms off, leaving Twitch alone at the booth, laughing.
(Twitch) Nice tag.
And we're done here.
(Kramer) Well folks, it looks like this match will be ruled a no contest, with Hush attacking his own partner and manager with a ladder!
(Brian) It wasn't a real match!
(Kramer) Tell that to Essex... When he wakes up from that ladder shot!
(Brian) I hate you.
XyZ (X-Cold & Zangief) vs. The Mexican Toiletries (El Asso Wipo & Señor Bag of Crap)
Special Guest Referee: The Fabulous Cosmo
Hollywood Back Lot Brawl
(Kramer) As fun as calling that video game match was, up next is our main event match of NAFW Day: Carnage.
(Brian) You mean our only match, right bucko?
(Kramer) Well, I suppose that would be true, but the fans in attendance for this one are in for quite a treat.
(Brian) No comprendo.
(Kramer) What do you mean?
(Brian) I mean I don’t get how our fans are in for a treat. This match features X-Cold and Zangief going up against the Mexican Toiletries.
(Kramer) Yes… but… It’s a “Hollywood Back Lot Brawl,” with the Fabulous Cosmo as our special guest referee!
(Brian) Wow, this is truly a Who’s Who among the biggest losers to ever grace the Foundation. Was Chronic not available or something?
(Kramer) Funny. Just remember you’ll be washing these men’s jockstraps after Oblivion when you go back to your regular intern duties.
(Brian) We’ll see about that…
We join this scene after everyone’s respective entrances have been made down the small makeshift ramp inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. XyZ stands off in one corner of the ring while the Mexican Toiletries occupy the opposite corner. Before the bell rings, our special guest referee, the massively oversized supersized wrestler, the Fabulous Cosmo, who makes Stud Muffan look like a Victoria’s Secret model, tells the other four competitors that he’s going to grab a seat over by the time keeper’s table, but to go ahead and knock themselves out – literally.
(Kramer) What’s going on? Is there going to be no referee?
As Cosmo lumbers out of the ring, he calls for the bell and the match immediately begins with XyZ clotheslining the Mexican Toiletries over the top rope and up the small entrance area. X-Cold goes right under the ring and grabs a kendo stick which he begins to nail El Asso Wipo with. Meanwhile, Zangief gets the upper hand on Senor Bag of Crap and rolls him back into the ring, dropping him with a side slam. El Asso Wipo turns the tide on the outside and hammers X-Cold with that kendo stick all the way back toward the ring.
(Brian) I’m thrilled this match has spent all of ten seconds inside of the ring.
(Kramer) For a kid that eats cheeseburgers out of the trash, you sure are in a bad mood tonight.
(Brian) Easy there K. I’m a teenager. My hormones can fluctuate as much as they want.
Meanwhile, BoC heads toward the outside before the Russian Assassin can bring any more pain to him inside the ring. X-Cold rolls El Asso Wipo into the ring, and on the outside, Senor Bag of Crap throws Zangief into the old school steel barricade. Somehow El Asso Wipo made it to the top rope, and as he comes down with the double axe handle, X-Cold gives him a stiff shot to the gut. El Asso Wipo inadvertently pushes the kendo stick toward X-Cold, who breaks it across Asso’s neck. Asso gets back up, and X takes the two broken halves of the kendo stick and slams them against Wipo’s temples. X-Cold then props up El Asso Wipo against the ropes. He runs across to the opposite ropes and hits a huge clothesline, sending both of them over the top. The Mexican Toiletry hits the mat, but X-Cold manages to land seated on the apron, to a small pop from the crowd.
(Brian) That might be X-Cold’s most impressive move ever.
(Kramer) He still moves better than you, husky.
Zangief grabs a chair from one of the people in attendance in the crowd. He doesn’t bother folding it up. Rather, he just chucks it at the back of Senor Bag o’ Crap to a big pop from the crowd. Meanwhile, X-Cold introduces Asso to that steel barrier as the team of XyZ is seemingly running wild on the Mexican Toiletries. Somehow Senor BoC has obtained a rubber chicken, which he whacks upside X-Cold’s face a number of times. X-Cold is confused as hell, so he grabs that steel chair his partner was just using and cracks it over BoC. El Asso Wipo isn’t having any of that as he rushes over to his partner’s aid and splashes X-to-the-Cold from behind. Zangief is to the rescue as he pulls Asso off X-Cold, and the team of XyZ starts pummeling the Toiletries with their fists. A snapmare by BoC is followed up with an elbow drop onto Zangief. On the ramp, El Asso Wipo is taking advantage of X-Cold in ways you don’t even want to know about. X-Cold retreats into the ring where his partner manages to join him, with a couple of weapons in hand. You may have heard of the Soviet Sickle and Hammer, but XyZ has their own take: The Pizza Cutter and Hammer!
(Kramer) We all know of X-Cold’s affinity for pizza.
But the Toiletries are having none of it as they somehow both got to the top rope in adjacent corners. As soon as XyZ turn around, they’re met with dual flying head scissors! BaC drops a springboard leg drop on X and Asso Wipo follows it up with a giant moonsault! BaC has tracked down Zangief on the outside, and he assaults him with a series of big headbutts before throwing him against the crowd barrier. From there, BaC walks over to him and… and… farts in his face? The fans in the area immediately cover their faces and Zangief is acting like the US just unleashed chemical warfare on Mother Russia!
(Kramer) I can smell that all the way here in the studio.
(Brian) That was me. My bad.
Back inside the ring, El Asso Wipo grabs that hammer and… tosses it out? Instead he goes to the outside of the ring and begins digging underneath, coming back up with… a bean burrito? Really? E-A-W taunts X-Cold to get back up inside the ring, and when he does… SPLAT! Bean burrito shot! The hot gooey contents go splattering everywhere! (Sound familiar, Tyler’s Mom?)
(Brian) I would have eaten that.
(Kramer) And I bet you still would.
Back on the outside, Zangief has thrown Senor Bag of Crap over the fan barrier and they’re battling into the convention area! Fans stop to snap pictures of this ridiculous brawl. Zangief grabs a bag of popcorn from a vender and… blinds BoC in the eye with steaming hot popcorn butter? The Russian Bear empties the bag and then puts it over Bag of Crap’s head! Zangief leads him over to a table… a merchandise table… that’s currently unoccupied. Why… It’s Peter Gilmour’s table! Zangief rolls the blinded Bag of Crap onto the merchandise table. He takes a look at one of Gilmour’s shirts and seems genuinely confused.
(Brian) Don’t worry Zangief, you’re not the only one lost over there.
Z shrugs it off and mounts the table, where he drags BoC up and into a piledriver position. The two begin spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning… and it’s actually a miracle they haven’t fallen off the table yet. Just when Z looks dizzy enough to blow chucks, he slows down and DRILLS Senor Bag of Crap with a jumping pile driver!
(Brian) Holy manbearpig!
(Kramer) What combination do you have to press to get Zangief to do that? Up up down down left right left right B A?
Back in the ring, X-Cold and El Asso Wipo are in a standoff. X-Cold, still dripping with burrito filling, has his signature pizza cutter while El Asso Wipo is wielding a trash can. The two keep lunging at each other, but finally El Wipo makes the first move, chucking the trash can at X-Cold. The pizza cutter gets dropped, and El Asso Wipo runs in with a big splash on the Cold One. While that nonsense is going on, suddenly Zangief is whipped by BoC into the crowd barrier and flips over it landing in the ringside area. The Toiletries take advantage of X-Cold. El Asso Wipo lifts him up in a chokebomb position while Senor Bag of Crap whacks the crap out of him with a wiffle ball bar! X-Cold is a human piñata! Finally the plastic bat breaks and El Asso Wipo slams X-Cold down. He’s quick, for Mexican Toiletry standards, and lifts X-Colder back up in a sitting position on his shoulders. BoC is on the top rope like Speedy Gonzales and comes flying off with a super-de-duper high missile drop kick!
(Brian) I bet that’s not the first time some Hispanics have treated X-Cold like a human piñata!
(Kramer) You have a twisted imagination, kid.
X-Coldest shouldn’t despair because Zangief is here to save the day. He uses his bear like strength to put Senor Bag of Crap into a bear hug, but El Asso Wipo doesn’t like the sound of that. He charges at the two, and sandwiches his own partner! But you can’t move Zangief that easily. Instead, the Russian grabs El Asso Wipo and snaps him into the bear hug with BoC!
(Kramer) I know there’s a bear out there who is proud of what he taught Zangief in the wilderness of Siberia.
While the two Toiletries are fading, X-C-o-l-d goes to the outside and rummages under the ring, pulling out a table… wrapped in barbed wire… with a shovel strapped to the table with the barbed wire!
(Kramer) What in the hell?
(Brian) How’s that for extreme? I never saw Chronic use anything like that.
(Kramer) Were you even alive when Chronic was wrestling?
(Brian) How time has eroded your feeble little mind Kram-Man. Besides, there’s always DVD!
X-Cold slides it into the ring and sets it up behind El Asso Wipo, who is still trapped in the bear hug with his partner Senor Bag of Crap. But that’s not all. X-Cold pulls a small bottle of lighter fluid out of his pants – a convenient place to keep it, no? – and douses the table in it. He then pulls out a lighter out of – yeah, you guessed it, his pants – and lights the table on fire!
(Kramer) Was X-Cold really wrestling with a bottle of lighter fluid and a lighter in his pants? Is that smart? Nevermind…
(Brian) Sorry Kramer, but that wasn’t a banana in his pants, nor was he happy to see you.
So we’ve got a shovel strapped to a table with barbed wire that’s now on fire, Zangief holding both Mexican Toiletries in a Russian Bear Hug, and X-Cold trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do with this situation. X-Cold slaps his head trying to think, but he doesn’t have to think much longer because our special guest referee The Fabulous Cosmo has gotten off his rather large posterior and has entered the ring.
(Kramer) It looks like one of the only people to make you look in shape, Brian, has decided to get back to doing his job in this match.
(Brian) Screw you. Chicks dig me!
(Kramer) Your mother doesn’t count.
X-Cold turns around and finds himself face to face with Cosmo’s rather large man boobs. The large superstar from out of this universe smashes X-Cold’s face into his flabby body, after which the hardcore superstar stumbles back and falls onto the flaming table. Zangief becomes concerned and immediately releases the bear hug, sending the Mexican Toiletries stumbling and only semi-conscious onto the flaming table. The Toiletries must have drank a lot of Jose Cuervo before the match, because they don’t even seem to be affected by the flames. Or perhaps their lucha masks are flame retardant?!
(Kramer) I think we’re about to see an O-M-G moment here, folks.
(Brian) Number one, wrong company. Number two, don’t say “O-M-G” ever again. Kthx?
This leaves only Zangief and Cosmo standing and staring each other down. The two mammoth beasts collide and the sheer force of Cosmo’s blubber bumps Zangief onto the heaps of bodies on the flaming barbed wire table – with shovel. The Fabulous Cosmo lumbers over the corner and begins mounting the top rope, to the amazement of all. Then, like the end of the world, Cosmo leaps off the top rope with a giant splash. Like a star exploding or a black hole sucking away parts of the universe, Cosmo splashes all four men on the flaming barbed wire table with shovel! The table breaks and they collapse through the mat, with Cosmo lying on top! The gargantuan superstar special guest referee decides to make a count – for himself! 1… 2… 3!
(Kramer) And that’s all she wrote folks.
(Brian) The fat lady has sung and somehow our special guest referee has won this match.
(Kramer) Well Brian, I can’t say it has been a pleasure, but at least you’re not Twitch.
(Brian) Don’t flatter yourself. I’m sure calling this match with you is going to do wonders for my resume!~!~!
(Kramer) That concludes our broadcast portion of NAFW Day: Carnage. You’ve been listening to Brian McJohnson, and me, Kramer. We now turn over the conclusion of this event to the NAFW’s very own Cougar Clarke for your special look at the first ever NAFW Hall of Fame Ceremony!
The NAFW Hall of Fame Ceremony
We cut to a shot of the NAFW's own Cougar Clarke, a man who has been in this business so long, people refer to him as a 'wrestling encyclopedia.' He has been in the NAFW since the company's inception, and tonight at this special ceremony for NAFW Day: Carnage, he has been serving as the host.
In a fancy tuxedo, Cougar stands in front a velvety curtain behind the scenes for this particular cut away recorded for this broadcast.
(Cougar) The North American Foundation of Wrestling's inaugural Hall of Fame class was truly the definition of excellence. At NAFW Day: Carnage, we saw "The Judge" James Batty, "The Word" David Kurresh, Sean "Spaz" Thomas, and the NAFW's owner Hector Gonzales accept their Hall of Fame award plaques. "Griever" Tyler Hyatt did not appear at the event, but I accepted the award on his behalf along side of his former student, Ken Harris.
There are many more NAFW superstars that are worthy of a call to the hall, but tonight was a night for the standard bearers in our industry.
Ever since the North Atlantic Foundation of Wrestling was rechristened the North American Foundation of Wrestling, one man has been near to Spaz, for better or for worse.
The current number one contender to the Foundation Heavyweight Championship, Mr. "Old School Hollywood" Mike Lane spent the latter part of the "Atlantic" era fighting against an evil Ryan Cardinal who went to great lengths to impersonate Sean Thomas and wreak havoc in the Foundation while the real Sean Thomas was locked away. And when the Foundation first shut down, Mike Lane was the one who answered the call to find out what was really going on with Sean Thomas, and freed him from the clutches of the international terrorist group "The Order."
Once the "American" era began, and the real Sean "Spaz" Thomas vanquished his impostor, he teamed up with Mike Lane to form the "NAFW Originals," a team that was very popular with the core fan base of the Foundation. But tensions started to rise, and Mike Lane turned on his friend, leading to one of the most intense feuds the Foundation has ever seen.
But tonight, the two put their differences aside, and a man that some might call Spaz's greatest friend and enemy gave Sean Thomas' introductory speech at the Hall of Fame ceremony.
We will now see Sean "Spaz" Thomas' acceptance speech as receives his Call to the Hall.
We slowly fade out from Cougar and into the action recorded from the NAFW Hall of Fame ceremony.
The Call to the Hall: Sean "Spaz" Thomas
Sean "Spaz" Thomas steps toward the podium as the crowd assembled shows their appreciation after the induction speech just delivered by Mike Lane. He is dressed in a black double-breasted suit with a white shirt and a tie coloured his trademark dark red.
Thomas is met at the podium by Lane, and the two long-time rivals on screen have thrown all of that out the window as they shake hands firmly and pat each other on the back. They exchange a few words away from the podium before Lane steps back and applauds with the crowd as Sean steps to the microphone.
He stands there for a few moments, waiting for the cheering to subside. Usually a master of masking his emotions, on this night Sean lets a little bit show. No tears, but the pride, happiness and appreciation is clearly evident on his face. Finally, the crowd quiets and he begins his acceptance speech.
(Sean) It is my honour and privilege to be included in this inaugural Hall of Fame class, and to be introduced tonight by Mike Lane. Tonight we step away from the stories and battles you see on TNT, Versus, and Pay Per View, and I stand before you introduced by a man who I am proud to call friend. So Mike Lane: Thank you.
Sean turns to look at Lane, who stands in the wings. He gives a slight nod, which is returned by Lane with a smile. The crowd takes this opportunity to applaud, before Sean turns back to the microphone.
(Sean) When I first came to the NAFW nearly eight years ago, if you'd told me that I would be standing here today - honoured as one of the best ever - I wouldn't have believed you. It's been a rocky road to say the least, but after everything, I'm still here. Heck, I'll probably still be here after eighty.
That draws a laugh from the crowd, as Sean shows some of the sense of humour that's been one of his many trademarks throughout his career.
(Sean) In all seriousness, while I can't say I enjoyed every single minute of the last eight years, I will say that the times I did enjoy far outweigh those I didn't. I'd like to thank everyone that I've worked with over the years, for making my time here such an enjoyable experience. I'd list names, but we'd be here all night.
Another laugh.
(Sean) But if I were to mention any names in particular, they would be my fellow inductees tonight. In their time here I had the opportunity to work with each of them, and get to know them both as competitors and as human beings. It was and always will be my pleasure to have met them. Congratulations to all of you.
Sean pauses to applaud the rest of this inaugural Hall of Fame class, and the crowd joins in. When the applause fades, Sean continues.
(Sean) Without diminishing my respect and admiration for my fellow inductees, I have to say the same for all of the men and women who have been a part of this great Foundation over the years, both in the ring and out. Without each of you, my experience wouldn't have been the same, and I am glad to have met you all.
More applause.
(Sean) I'd also like to thank my family, especially my sister Krystin. She has supported me every step of the way and been by my side when I was at my best, and at my worst. Love ya Krys.
Spaz smiles and there's more applause, as the shot cuts away to the audience, where Krystin sits, waving to her brother. She's flanked by Spaz's long-time friends and partners, Bryan Francis and Dean Powell - otherwise known as Slush and Ammo - as well as their manager, the man known only as Twitch. All four of them are beaming with pride, as we cut back to the podium.
(Sean) And finally, I want to thank you, the fans. You are truly the driving force behind this business. Your dedication and support is what keeps us stepping in that ring. Not to mention what pays our bills.
There's that humour again as Spaz flashes a smile.
(Sean) For these last eight years, from New Age all the way through to the North American Foundation of Wrestling today, the NAFW has been my second home, and the people here have been a kind of second family. Like any family we've had our trials and tribulations, but we've always come through in the end.
Pause. He's winding down now.
(Sean) I said it to begin and I'll say it again to end... It is my honour and privilege to be standing here before you today an NAFW Hall of Famer. Thank you.
The crowd erupts again as Spaz waves for a while as the shot fades out.
Until Next Time...
We fade back in on Cougar in another pre-recorded message.
(Cougar) Let me personally say what an honor it has been to know Sean Thomas and work with him over my many years in this company. Sean has truly given his heart and soul to this company and to this business, and I cannot thank him enough for his contributions.
On that note, our broadcast of NAFW Day: Carnage has come to a close. Thank you for joining Kramer, Brian McJohnson, and myself tonight. I hope you have enjoyed this special look into the heart of the NAFW. Be sure to join us for our biggest Pay Per View event, OBLIVION, live from the Staples Center.
From the Los Angeles Convention Center, this has been NAFW Day: Carnage. Good night everyone!
And on that note, we fade out from Cougar one last time, and the screen goes to black before displaying the OBLIVION and NAFW logos.
